Cole Sprouse & Lana Condor Compete in a Compliment Battle

Yours are like,

Lana's such a sweet and nice person.

I would love to just sit down and talk for a bit.

Mine are like, Yours is like,

Mine are like,

I wanna smother that boy in old yogurt.

I'm like what?

Me first? Yes.

No, you go first.

Hi I'm, Hi, I'm Cole.

[Lana groaning]

Hi, I'm Lana Condor.

We're gonna play a game.

Compliment battle.

[upbeat music]

The compliment battle.

On Teen Vogue.

[upbeat music]

I imagine that the Sprouse brothers,

the both of you,

taste like strawberry banana Daminals smoothie.

Creamy, yep.

That was a laugh.

Okay.

They had to bring the Danimals in there.

Come on guys.

I was trying to go through college, man.

Enter the Danimals video promotion.

[Cole] Action.

Danimals crush cups.

Trying to pay those bills.

Don't break down because of it.

And you did.

You did so good.

Everyone keeps talking about Noah,

but like Lana Condor?

A whole snack sitting right there?

I think you won that one.

I gotta go a little harder.

I think I did too.

Aw, thanks.

I don't know.

I am in love.

In love with Cole Sprouse.

I want him to, No.

No, I read it wrong.

I read it wrong.

I want to make him hot chocolate.

And listen to him talk about archeology.

Hot.

Did you laugh?

No, 'cause I hate hot chocolate.

You really do?

No, I actually love it.

But,

Didn't you go to school for archeology?

I did.

That's cool.

Yeah, Lana Condor is just, sheesh.

I mean, come on girl.

[upbeat music]

It was the girl.

Girl, come on girl.

No, you know what?

I'm gonna give that to me.

Therapy is too expensive.

So I watch the Suite Life of Zach and Cody.

Oh that's nice.

Yeah.

They must be really damaged.

This is their therapy.

That's not healing you at all, in fact.

But that's nice.

Look, therapy is important.

Sitcoms don't do the same

as an educated profession, okay?

I just know Lana Condor

and I would be best friends if given the opportunity.

You totally are being objectified.

That's the nicest thing.

I know.

Why is Cole Sprouse so fine in hashtag Riverdale?

Who knew he'd grow up to become such a snack?

You think you're like an entree or just a snack?

I'm like the one that gives you indigestion.

You're like the dessert.

Like the tartar that's been left out

just a little bit too long.

I mean, it's raw meat.

With like, egg yolk.

A couch of salmonella. It's good

if it's really cold.

But then if it gets room temperature,

you're like, that's mad cow disease.

So that's what you are.

So you're not a snack.

This one's in all caps, so.

Why isn't anyone talking about how beautiful

Lana Condor looked at the Met Gala yesterday?

Because she literally looks like

an ethereal princess.

Oh my God, I love her so much.

I feel attacked, but thank you.

That's so nice.

I forgot to mark that last one that you had.

[upbeat music]

What?

Cole Sprouse is fine.

And then she drools.

She drooled?

It's drooling.

It's winking and it's drooling.

I've drooled once before.

In like, nevermind.

Okay.

I'm gonna give that

to you. I feel like

you laughed, yeah.

I wish I was as pretty as Lana Condor.

Every time I look at her,

I just feel jealousy

because I know I'll never be that pretty.

She's my celebrity crush,

but like, Squeeze out a tear.

I also wish I was her.

I collect it.

That's sweet.

It's not funny, but it's sweet.

I'm gonna give that to you.

Oh my gosh.

Is Ben Geller Cole Sprouse?

I can't.

Ugh, I love you.

What does that mean?

I was on Friends and I played Ben Geller.

But,

I was like, who's that?

I'm gonna give that to me because you scared me.

Yeah.

Also, let's appreciate the badassery of Lana Condor.

Sis went from girl next door to assassin bad bitch

with such swiftness.

She's showing us that she has the range

and I'm here for it.

I'm gonna give that to me.

I'm gonna give that to you.

Thank you.

That was very sweet.

Man, this is a really nice way to start off the day.

Feeling nice and confident.

Okay now?

Okay, after watching After We Collided,

I have now realized

that I am in fact in love

with both Sprouse brothers and I don't have time.

I don't have time for another obsession.

I'm booked.

That's good.

Booked.

But I'm not laughing because I'm jealous.

My brother and I are in constant competition

over who loves one of us more or less.

And it goes in phases.

It actually has our whole life.

Yeah, that's fun for you.

At different points in our careers,

I'm the weird one.

And then he's the weird one.

Yeah, it's strange.

I think post Riverdale,

I'm gonna be the strange one.

He's gonna be the hot one again.

And it'll be nice 'cause I'll get to take

another break.

Yeah, for sure.

I mean, Lana Condor is a mother

[beep] snack, just saying.

This one got a little bit more objective.

I'm giving that to me.

Oh we forgot to give the other one to you.

Okay, oh.

Fair.

Yeah. No, no.

We forgot because I earned it.

I would sell my soul

to the devil himself to go on one date with Cole Sprouse.

It's gonna take a lot less

than selling your soul.

Soul to the devil.

To the devil. To the devil.

The fact that Lana Condor hasn't been cast

in every single rom-com is upsetting.

Every single one.

Could you imagine?

That's an empire. An over, constant.

You win?

Oh yeah.

I guess 'cause I was laughing.

Yeah, see that?

Heart melts.

Needs an oxygen tank.

Cause Cole Sprouse is so damn handsome,

gorgeous, everything.

Okay, so let's unpack this for a second.

The last one said she would sell her soul to the devil,

and this girl needs an oxygen tank.

I'm killing people.

And there was one where it said

it likened Cole to therapy.

So he provokes this, I'm hurting.

Very extreme, deep,

emotional arc. People are in pain.

People are in pain. Wow, Cole.

The power you have.

With great power,

[Both] Comes great responsibility.

Spider-Man.

Oh, we got a scent based one here.

Laura Condor is so pretty.

And I know she smells amazing.

You actually do smell amazing.

I do? Yeah.

Okay. You do smell amazing.

So in all of,

I don't know about amazing,

but you smell good.

But in all of Moonshot,

I don't know if you remember

but not a day did I wear deodorant.

Not a day?

Not a single day?

Not one day.

Well here's the thing is it's like,

Why? Cause I'm sleeping

and I gotta get to work.

So I just go and get out of and go.

You know how little time it takes to put on deodorant?

So who does that go to?

I think you. I feel like it goes to me.

I'd pay Cole Sprouse to slap me.

Nice, okay.

Oh, neck and neck again.

Okay, I love Lana Condor, by the way.

I'd claw you to eat a burger with her.

That one's good.

It's good.

Oh, I like that too.

'Cause it's like an activity.

Well because the violence is not

pointed towards either you or I,

it's pointed towards the person

that's keeping that person from a burger with you.

With me.

I love the choice of a burger too.

Lana Condor stan for life.

She is a literal angel princess.

I love her so much.

She really did carry TATB.

Watch the third one if you can baby.

Woo.

Baby.

Thank you.

Literal angel, princess.

♪ I love her so much ♪

Me watching Riverdale while questioning

my gender and sexuality.

Do I want to date Cole Sprouse,

or do I want to be Cole Sprouse?

Why not both?

Lana Condor in a sci-fi thriller film

for her next project.

Oh my God.

She just keeps getting amazing and cooler.

What a talented queen.

I'ma give that one to you too,

which means I still win. You still won.

Good job, Cole.

[Lana] And I was so fair. You were.

About all these points.

Yeah, for sure. Every single one.

Every single one.

I made sure that you and I had both

deliberated upon who won.

This is actually more fair than I expected it to be.

I felt like you were just gonna,

And you know what?

Keep going.

Because you're not a sore loser,

I'm gonna give you another one.

Wow, cool.

That's so nice of you.

But I'm also gonna give myself another one.

I'll give myself a participation one.

Perfect attendance for both of us, I'd say.

[upbeat music]